I Never Knew

I never knew how hard a miscarriage would be. It has been two months since I had one and I still have times when I feel like crying.

We had debated about having a fourth child. Chris really wanted one, but I was not so sure. I would love another baby, but just wasn't so sure I can handle a fourth. I feel like I am barely holding things together with three. There are also so many things I want to do and being pregnant would make them harder or unable to do them. I want to lose weight, I want to run, I want for Chris and I to take a big 10 year anniversary trip.

The night Chris and I were talking about having another baby, I had a Bible study I needed to do. After we finished talking I went to do my Bible study. The passage of the Bible I was suppose to read was about when the Israelites made the golden calf after they had been delivered from Egypt. In my mind I was thinking how could they do that after all they had seen. Then It was like God was speaking and I heard, "What about you? What about all you have seen? Where is your faith?"

God has seen me and my family through a lot of things. He has been faithful. I know He would be faithful again. So we decided that if it was God's will for us to have another baby, then we would not prevent it from happening. And then I got pregnant. I was excited, but worried. All of my fears about how would I handle four came back. Not to mention I was tired of the question, "Was this on purpose?" It is known of your business is what I wanted to say.

Well about the time I started telling everyone, it happened. I had a miscarriage. I had never had any problems with any of my other pregnancies. I had not even made my doctors appointment yet, because I had never had any problems. I knew they would not have me to come in right away.

For the next couple of weeks I was very emotional. I knew to expect that since my hormones were all out of whack. I finally got over that, but now every now and then, I think I would have found out if I was having a boy or girl. I would be over my morning sickness. I think I would have a baby at the beginning of summer. And I get sad all over again.

I received an email from a friend who had moved away. She had heard about my miscarriage from another friend and was emailing me to see how I was doing. She had suffered two miscarriages recently and knew how I was feeling. After reading her email I was about to cry again. I thought I was over that.

Also when I have my days of frustration with my kids, I think no wonder God did not let me have another one. I can not take care of three I have.

So, now I wonder, was this a test to see if I will follow through with what I think God has told me to do or do I not deserve another child?