I Never Knew

I never knew how hard a miscarriage would be. It has been two months since I had one and I still have times when I feel like crying.

We had debated about having a fourth child. Chris really wanted one, but I was not so sure. I would love another baby, but just wasn't so sure I can handle a fourth. I feel like I am barely holding things together with three. There are also so many things I want to do and being pregnant would make them harder or unable to do them. I want to lose weight, I want to run, I want for Chris and I to take a big 10 year anniversary trip.

The night Chris and I were talking about having another baby, I had a Bible study I needed to do. After we finished talking I went to do my Bible study. The passage of the Bible I was suppose to read was about when the Israelites made the golden calf after they had been delivered from Egypt. In my mind I was thinking how could they do that after all they had seen. Then It was like God was speaking and I heard, "What about you? What about all you have seen? Where is your faith?"

God has seen me and my family through a lot of things. He has been faithful. I know He would be faithful again. So we decided that if it was God's will for us to have another baby, then we would not prevent it from happening. And then I got pregnant. I was excited, but worried. All of my fears about how would I handle four came back. Not to mention I was tired of the question, "Was this on purpose?" It is known of your business is what I wanted to say.

Well about the time I started telling everyone, it happened. I had a miscarriage. I had never had any problems with any of my other pregnancies. I had not even made my doctors appointment yet, because I had never had any problems. I knew they would not have me to come in right away.

For the next couple of weeks I was very emotional. I knew to expect that since my hormones were all out of whack. I finally got over that, but now every now and then, I think I would have found out if I was having a boy or girl. I would be over my morning sickness. I think I would have a baby at the beginning of summer. And I get sad all over again.

I received an email from a friend who had moved away. She had heard about my miscarriage from another friend and was emailing me to see how I was doing. She had suffered two miscarriages recently and knew how I was feeling. After reading her email I was about to cry again. I thought I was over that.

Also when I have my days of frustration with my kids, I think no wonder God did not let me have another one. I can not take care of three I have.

So, now I wonder, was this a test to see if I will follow through with what I think God has told me to do or do I not deserve another child?

My Bible Time

Ever since my realization that my resolutions are not working because I am not keeping God first, I have been getting up early. And this is what I have decided about getting up early: It is for the birds.

I hate getting up early. The first day I did it, my day went better. I did not get frustrated with the kids. I did not get mad at the kids. We still had things go wrong, like a flood in my laundry room, but I did not get too frustrated with the kids and I had a peace and calm about myself through the day. I was tired though.

The nest day was even harder to get up. I was so tired through the day. I did get a little frustrated, but not as bad. My frustration was more due to being so tired. I have been going to bed earlier, but I am still so tired.

This morning I almost could not get out of bed. I did not get out of bed until after 7:00. Luckily most of my family slept in. Grant did get up, but he is good to leave me alone if I ask him and I have a good reason.

I have started reading the Bible through. My church always encourages us to do this and this year they have provided a devotional to use. So I am reading what the days assignment is and then reading the short devotional. I got started late and have been having to do a couple of days reading everyday. I am almost caught up. Actually if I had gotten up early today I would have had time to read two days today and I would have gotten caught up.

Tomorrow I will try again.

He is being like the President!

Yesterday morning I was feeding everyone breakfast. Seth was eating a lot. He finished one bowl of oatmeal and was fussing. I told him to say "More Please" if he wanted more. His said "no." So I walked around the bar to get him out of his high chair. He started fussing again like he wanted more food and not down. I went ahead and cleaned him up and put him down since he would not respond using words.

Katie Beth answered and said he is being like the President. I said what do you mean by that. She responded that he said one thing when I asked him if wanted more and then changed and said another thing when I went to get him down.

I cracked up. I thought that was so funny for a 6 year old to put that together.

The Crazy Lady

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like a crazy lady? This week has been that way for me.

Katie Beth and Seth have not been sleeping well lately. That has made me so tired. I have not been getting much sleep.

I also have been upset with myself over my New Year's resolutions. I am still drinking coke, a smaller amount though. I have not been running the stairs like I thought I would. We have not been eating out, but we are still eating some of the processed food we already had. And I have not spent anytime with God.

Today I received my Homeschool minute email that is from the Old Schoolhouse Magazine. It talked about our priorities for the New Year. They talked about the verse "Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and all these things will be added unto you."

It clicked with me. Have I been seeking God first? No, I have not sought God at all. The only reason I have opened my Bible was to work with the kids on their verses. I have not worked on any verses for myself. I picked up a pamphlet at church about reading through the Bible in a year, but I have not even looked at it.

Now it is time for me to get my priorities straight. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven!"

One of Those Days

It has been one of those days at my house. I had such high hopes for today, but I fell flat on my face. I got the kids to bed on time last night. I laid out all of their school work, and I had all of the dishes done last night before I went to bed. Then I could not sleep. Then Katie Beth ended up in our bed. And that was the beginning of it all.

I had a day of Seth getting into make-up, marathon laundry, trying to get the kids to work, and trying to get the house cleaned up.

At the end of the day, I am minus a tube of lipstick and an eyeshadow compact. The kids finished all of their schoolwork. I did not get their read aloud read to them. Almost all of the laundry is washed and folded. The kids did not eat processed food for lunch or dinner. And the house is still a wreck!

I managed to not drink a coke in all of the chaos today. I was about to break down and have one, but I sat down to fold my mountain of laundry and I watched Dr. Oz. He talked about getting rid of sugar and syrups to lose weight. So I never fixed that coke. But I had already eaten a Reeses and I lost count of how many graham crackers I had.

New Year's Resolutions Part 2

My third resolution is to keep a strict budget. Neither Chris or I are accountant minded, therefore at the end of the month we say, "Where did our money go?" So Chris has made out a strict budget and we are going to stick to it.

As part of this we are going to save at least $400 each month. In order to do this I am going to have more meals planned, so there is no stopping on your way home to pick up dinner. This also goes with eating better. We are also switching our cable to Dish network. I am also going to open an Etsy store. I have been making beaded crosses that I am going to sell in the store along with any other crafty thing I come up with. I love to be crafty and this will give me a way to make some money on my crafts.

I have not figured out exactly how I am going to accomplish my last resolution. It is to spend more time with God. I am not a morning person, so getting up before the kids to have a quiet time is really hard. Also as soon as I get up early, Seth gets up. So I have to figure out a better time of the day to accomplish this.

This morning it hit me that I have to put all of this into action now. This is January 2nd and that means it is time to start acting on these. We have some PW Apple Cake in an Iron Skillet leftover from lunch at Chris's parents house. I started to have that for breakfast and then I remembered that now is the time to start cutting out the sugar. If I eat one bite of sugar in the morning I will crave it all day. I also woke up with a sinus headache. I want a coke so bad. It would knock this headache out, but no cokes for me today.

Well here is the recipe for the Apple cake for anyone that wants it. http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/09/apple-cake-in-an-iron-skillet/